In-laws

Probably one of the biggest cross-cultural issues for Chinese American or any Asian Western marriage is the difference in how we view in-laws and other relationships in general. For men, you will become a 女婿. For women, you will become a 媳婦. (This photo which has nothing to do with any of this is of our daughter practicing on the beach -better than on the sofa- for her upcoming performance.)

In American culture, once married, the common wisdom is that it is 'unhealthy' to have too close relationships with the older generation. I always hear chatter on talk shows about "setting boundaries" with parents. In-laws are generally the enemy to be kept at a distance. Freedom and individual control are important.

Well, needless to say in Chinese culture it is not the same way. Family relations are close, which is not to say they are always friendly. Endless soap operas are written about conflict between the wife and the mother-in-law, but they are a close part of each others' lives. For example, I can always tell when my wife is talking to her little sister on the phone because she suddenly switches to that "big sister" tone of voice, but they seem to like each other. Children stay close to parents as part of 孝順 filial piety.

I think the key to negotiating the in-law relationships is to insist less on one's way and adjust more to the circumstances. My wife's parents are around most of the day and they help take care of the children. We also go out with them for lunch or dinner sometimes...which I view as a benefit. I like being a part of the household.

It helps to pick the right in-laws. My in-laws are nice. They seem to like me even despite my office which is not always in the best state of organization, though better since I read about that poor woman who was crushed to death underneath the weight of mess in her house.

For a cute blog I just found, but from the opposite perspective, a Chinese 媳婦 in Seattle try http://www.wretch.cc/blog/hiyy