吵架 Arguing

I read an article on arguing on another blog and it made me think of this important topic for all couples, not just cross-cultural couples. I'd say, if they are smart, cross-cultural couples have an advantage because they know they don't know much.

They say the survival of a relationship depends not on the good times, but how the bad times are handled. That is true of disagreements. My wife and I don’t fight that much, but when we do fight we try not to prolong it. Both of us are similar in fighting in that we like to verbalize ourselves in Chinese, but we don’t insult each other personally and things are usually over quickly. Maybe it is also because we have both had experience with bad relationships so we have seen what not to do. (My favorite tactic if my wife engages in the rare pout is to tickle her until she laughs while beating me senseless.)

There are fighting styles where people will scream and yell at each other without control, trying to use things against the other person. They will 鬧得全家鶏犬不寧, a colorful expression meaning literally “chicken, dog, the whole household is unpeaceful.” This is bad, because it slowly erodes the love in the relationship.

There are also fighting styles where people will engage in a cold war冷戰, trying to get even with one another. This is even worse because it is unproductive and the problems never make their way out into the open. We know some couples that rarely talk with one another.

I know of a Taiwanese woman married to a Japanese man. Their fighting may illustrate cultural differences or they may just be idiosyncratic. He expects her to be really polite even when fighting, where as she is very frank直率 and lively活潑. My impression is that there is more passive aggressive behavior 被動進取 in Japanese culture, but I am no expert in that.